As a divorce mediator, I've had a unique window into the most intimate details of people's lives. Unfortunately, by the time my clients find themselves in my office, their relationships are beyond repair and all I can do is clean up their legal messes in order to give them the most civilized divorces possible. But I often wonder whether some of these marriages could have been saved - and I think m
any (although not all) of them could have been if the right steps had been taken earlier. But before I get to that, let me answer a question I'm often asked, and that is: "What exactly is a mediator, and what exactly do you do?" Simply put, the job is a hybrid; part lawyer (yes, I am one), and part sounding board (I also have a background in psychology and conflict resolution). Contrary to popular belief, mediators don't help people save their marriages; instead, we work with people who want and need to get divorced. We guide clients through the negotiation of their legal settlements, while helping them manage their anger and pain so that they, and their children, can find peace and move on. So, now that I've described what the job entails, let me move back to the purpose of this page. Every day, I hear the uncensored, often nasty "truth" about what has gone wrong in people's marriages. I also hear, in no uncertain terms, how each spouse feel about the other person's role in the unraveling of the relationship. Not surprisingly, the "truth" depends on the perspective of the person telling it! But regardless of who is "right" and "wrong", there actually IS one objective truth, and here it is: Everyone who comes into my office is suffering, no one wanted their marriage to end that way, and often, it could all have been avoided. I want to share my experience so that others WILL avoid winding up in my office, or one like mine. I want to share the recurring patterns I've witnessed - like how men and women perceive the "truth" of their marriages, how they view conflict, and how they resolve disagreements. What mistakes do they feel they've made, and what would they have done differently if they had the chance to go back in time? In sharing my professional experience, I'm hoping others will recognize patterns that may exist in their own relationships, and gain insight into how best to deal with their recurring conflict in order to maintain the strongest relationships possible. This page is for everyone, because EVERYONE deals with interpersonal conflict on a daily basis, whether the conflict arises with spouses, kids, parents, co-workers, friends, neighbors, kids' teachers, members of their extended families, customer service reps...the list goes on and on, because conflict is an integral part of every human relationship. So, why do people struggle (often without even knowing it) to resolve conflict in their relationships? Simply put, it's usually because their conflict resolution skills are less than great. Anyone who denies having relationship challenges, or who denies the need for self-improvement, is doing himself or herself a disservice, because everyone has challenges and everyone can strive to do better. But conflict literacy isn't intuitive - it needs to be explicitly taught and learned. That's where this page comes in. Here, I'll blend theory and practice as I give you a window into my professional world - a world of conflict, pain, anger, and dysfunction. Of course, any scenarios presented here will be fictitious, but will be realistic hybrids of situations I've encountered time and again over the years. My goal: to help others gain insight into their own relationships in order to keep them strong - and never wind up in my office!!
