07/08/2026
Careful court observers have noticed that many of our closing arguments share common material. That's intentional. No matter what kind of case we're arguing, we always have to discuss the major themes: the presumption of innocence, the burden of proof, and reasonable doubt. Great trial lawyers spend a lifetime refining how they explain those concepts, the way a comedian works a bit until it kills. But the best trial lawyers are also students of the craft. They study the masters. Which got us wondering: what would a closing argument sound like if it were delivered in one of the most recognizable rhetorical styles of the twenty-first century? Below: some of our best closing argument material, repurposed through the mind of a giant.
Folks, before I even begin. And I will begin, and it will be strong. Jury duty. Very important. Maybe the most important. It's in the founding documents. Beautiful documents, by the way, some of the best ever written. What you've done here today? Incredible. Twelve incredible people. The best jury I've ever seen, frankly, and I've seen many. Many, many juries. Nobody's seen more juries than me.
This young defendant. Great kid, by the way, tremendous kid, everybody loves him. He's been waiting fourteen months for this day. Fourteen months with a terrible guillotine over his head. Very sharp. It's like the ones made by the late, great Hattori Hanzo. He's a wonderful man.
The prosecution. Look, I'm sure some of them are nice people. But these ones have been very vicious. Very nasty. It's not a pretty picture. The government, they love big charges, don't they? Very big. Very dramatic. They went for murder. Sounds serious. Sounds scary. And folks, that's a huge claim. Tremendous claim. You don't just throw that around. They said the evidence would be overwhelming. Well, folks, the evidence came, and the evidence went, and let me tell you. It failed. It failed so badly. People are calling it maybe the biggest failure in the history of this courthouse. Possibly any courthouse.
The prosecutor wasn't there. He's got these fantasies about what happened. Very vivid fantasies. Now look, I'll be very clear. I wasn't there either. You weren't there. I don't spin. That's not my style. So we go to the facts. I love facts. Nobody loves facts more than me. Nobody. Let me explain it in a way nobody has ever explained it before. I love explaining things. People say I explain things better than anybody. People are going to be talking about this explanation for years. Maybe forever.
Think of the prosecution's case as a boat. And folks, I know boats. Okay? Tremendous yachts. Italian craftsmanship, gold fixtures. So when I tell you about this boat, I know more about boats than anybody. This boat starts docked at a port. A beautiful port. It's called the Presumption of Innocence. Great port. One of our best ports, frankly. And this boat has to sail all the way across the ocean. A huge ocean, so much water, to a faraway place called Beyond a Reasonable Doubt.
To make it there? The boat has to be perfect. The best boat. A strong, beautiful, powerful boat. So their boat pulls out of port. It's a big moment. Champagne bottle broken, the whole thing. And immediately, immediately, folks, there's holes in the boat. Water's coming in. Big buckets. Not good. The crew is looking at the lifeboats. I've seen it before. It's not pretty. The boat is taking on water like you wouldn't believe. Nobody's ever seen a boat take on this much water. You've seen Titanic? Great movie. Tremendous movie. Leo, he's a big star. You saw what happened when that boat hit one iceberg. This case has hit, what, six? Seven? It's an iceberg parade. It's iceberg rush hour.
So where is their boat? I'll tell you where it is. It's in pieces. It's disintegrating to the bottom of the ocean. Fish are living in it. Some are nice fish, they seem happy, good for them. Some are sharks. Dangerous animals. A lot of shark attacks lately. At least somebody's getting something out of this case. The fish and the scuba divers are going to visit it. They could make a documentary. A very sad documentary. Terrible ratings.
Now, the boat should be enough. It's more than enough. But I'm going to give you a second one, free of charge. Nobody gives you two. Most lawyers, you're lucky to get one, and it's usually a bad one. But I have two beautiful ones. So folks, we've got to talk about the burden of proof. And let me tell you, this burden? It's enormous. Nobody appreciates how enormous it is more than me. This is Mount Everest. Okay? Massive mountain. Snow everywhere. Sherpas. Frostbite. Amputations. Helicopters. Very dangerous. And the Commonwealth, they've got to climb all the way to the top of that mountain. Not halfway. All the way. And frankly, right now? They're struggling. They're slipping. It's looking bad. You ever see Cliffhanger with Sylvester Stallone? Tremendous film. Sly hanging off the mountain with one arm, huge muscles, screaming into the wind. Incredible. And John Lithgow, the bad guy. Fantastic villain. Very underrated actor, by the way. Doesn't get enough credit. Once lived with a bigfoot in his home with his family. I wouldn't do it, but he did it.
That's the Commonwealth here. They're climbing this mountain trying to prove their case. They've got the ropes, they're yelling, "We can make it!" But they can't make it, folks. They're losing their grip. They're dangling off the side of the mountain screaming, "Please! Just find him guilty!" And then suddenly, the rope snaps. Gone. Right off the cliff. Very sad. A terrible fall. Like Humpty. They'll never be put together again. And look, nobody enjoys watching the prosecution plummet into a snowy ravine. Nobody. But that's what happens when you try to climb Mount Everest with this kind of evidence. The law says you don't convict unless you reach the summit. They are nowhere near the summit. They've fallen. Their bones are broken. They're eating snow and crumbs of trail mix. That's not proof beyond a reasonable doubt.
Soon I'm wrapping up. I know you're saying "keep going, this is the best closing we've ever heard." Here's the unfair part, folks, and it's very unfair: after I sit down, they get to talk again. They're trying to rig it. But you know what? They don't really get the last word. You do. Each one of you. Any one of you can stand up and say: No. I will not ignore the iceberg parade. I will not accept a case that fish are living in. Some are nice fish, but still. I will not put Humpty back together. It can't be done. The best people have tried, all the king's people. I will not eat the trail mix next to the frozen corpses. And I will not send this tremendous kid to the Hattori Hanzo guillotine on evidence like this.
Not guilty. It's the only verdict. I'll wrap it up, though frankly, I could go on. People would love it. Not guilty. A strong verdict. Fair verdict. The right verdict. And when you walk out of that room with it, you hold your heads high, because you'll have proven the system works. The presumption of innocence, a beautiful presumption, the best presumption. Not guilty. Thank you. Incredible jury. Maybe the best ever. Really tremendous.
