Up against a wall, fighting for the truth.

02/08/2026

Abuse is abuse, no matter the form it comes in.
When a woman is abused she walks away broken.
When a woman is broken she walks around in pieces. She no longer believes she is worthy, beautiful, she carries the quilt caused by her abuser.
And then she is blamed, treated as the aggressor, she believes that she should have tried harder. When the truth is her abuser did not care, he put her down, told lies about her so people would hate her.
You would think years later she would be healed but still she scrambles to be ok. To know her value and worth is much more than her abuser deserved, but people especially the system made to protect her, uses the abuse as a reason to take away more from her than she has to give.
They use the children as pawns, taking them away when she is a good mother, is a different kind of abuse. They should be brought to justice and thrown into prison, instead they are protected by those within the court
Leaving the mother devastated, stealing her hopes, dreams, and the only true love that she ever knew.
Leaving her without anything that is important in this life to help themselves.
It is sad that people stand by and allow the crimes committed against the mother, knowing the truth just to be a part of.
Well let me tell you you stand with Satan doing his deeds and taring mother and children apart.
So you to will be set apart, set in the holes of hell for participating in crimes against the FATHER. Remember you thought being a part of the plan, being apart of the criminals and allowing it to happen, it will bite you in your but when judgement day comes, and you stand alone, no one to blame but yourself, no one to cover up for you, no one but you will stand before your CREATOR to be punished for all the hurt , dishonesty, and lies you have covered up to be a part of them.

03/26/2024

God can restore lost years by bringing long-term gain from short-term loss. The effect of these great trials in your life will be that “the tested genuineness of your faith . . . may result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ” (1 Peter 1:7). The praise, glory, and honor go to Christ because his power guarded you and kept you through the hardest years of your life.

Our sins, our grief, our sorrows, were laid on him. Our judgment fell on him. Our locusts swarmed all over him. The life of God’s tender shoot was “cut off.” Then, on the third day, the Son of God rose in the power of an eternal life. He offers himself to you, and he says what no one else can ever say: “I will restore the years that the locusts have eaten.”

08/06/2022

The mind is a fragile element to our being. You would think a "normal" person would run when they saw him again, but self worth was not something I had acquired along the way. Let me back track for a minute, so that you will understand why I had thought when a person hit you they must care, right?
I was the fifth child out of ten, eight from my father and two from my step father. I met my father twice the first time, he came to pick us kids up and we were going to stay with him and his wife and her to kids. I was pretty young but I will never forget when he came in looking for his little girl me and I got to ride in the front seat and play with the radio while he sang different songs.
This is important because all my brothers and sisters were blond and light color eyes, I took after my dad which would explain the , don't get me wrong I love my mother but lets say I was not her favorite. So the attention was a new feeling for me.
The second time I seen him he was drunk and on his way to Kansas city , where he died in a warehouse eaten by rats. We never meet our relatives on his side of the family so it was just mom and us kids.
My step dad gave us stability and a home, after my mom and dad broke up my mom who had no family and was under a lot of pressure moving here knowing no one, she found her wild side lets say. When she brought home our step dad who quickly moved us into a real house not the projects. Where we had our first Christmas with a tree and presents. We seemed like a family.
I quickly learned there is a price to pay, but we were safe, had a home, had food to eat and clean clothes to wear. He took something from me , and then used it as a weapon against me by reminding me where we had come from. I seen that my brothers and sisters so happy to be together, so it became silently nonnegotiable.
Feelings of emptiness filled my soul, I remember once my mom looked so tired I was going to help her with laundry. We had an old fashion washer with a peddle on the floor that made the ringers turn, the first sheet grabbed my hand and pulled my arm in, I screamed and my brother came running.. For a couple days as my arm was dying nobody sought emergency care.
It was not until the school told my mom if she did not take me to hospital they would call DCF. My mom and step dad dropped me off at the hospital door and it was well into a month before the nurses figured out I had been there alone. I did not see my family for three months.
So needless to say I was the black sheep and at 11 I asked her to make her husband leave me alone, she said it was my fault and to get out. Two years later when DCF figured out I wasn't in school, at 13 my mom called me in as a runaway and a few month later I was emancipated. And I had just recently met him, even though I did not like him very much, it was attention.

07/22/2022

As a woman who was beat into submission, not by choice but by fear. I was alone and nobody cared.
I want to share some of my story, for my self I am not going to lie. But I was divorce in 1996 (never married) he has never been out of my life, although physcially about 2007, training of his control still effect me today.
If anyone can relate or if for nothing else if somebody has lost themselves, their way, their very identity, and had no one to help you, which caused the feelings of unworthiness always bringing up questions like "why dont people like me?" And you finally feel like your not alone, then it will have all been for a reason, I am alone.
I know that their are many out their living with the destruction of self, being controlled completely but the fear, rejection, the unworthiness are just a few emotions that keep it a secret. So here is part of my story.
"Please lead me LORD JESUS"
I met this person at 13 years old, I was already emancipated and lost but that's another story. I did not like him at all , it was a high school party I only knew my best friend whose boyfriend was best friends with this person. He was cocky, arrogant, and in his head everyone wanted him.
I was working full time for a cleaning service, staying with my oldest sister and brother David's trailer. We had hung out a couple times, the four of us, and my brother was killed in a car wreck also my first boyfriend, first crush, my first love. It was very traumatizing for little community inside a city so to speak. Everyone lost someone that night.
It happened so fast emotionally numb, shock, and overcome with sadness. I found myself agreeing for a first date, I wasn't looking forward to it. We went to a friend of his house, a pretty good sized party, I was uncomfortable and was ready to go but he had disappeared.
I am not going to lie, being left by yourself at a party knowing no one sitting close to the avail keg, I will admit I was feeling good, the party was over when he showed back up and was ready to go.
Our first date ended a neighbor stopping him from body slamming me on the driveway of his mothers home. The man thought I was dead because I wasn't making any noises. I woke up on his moms living room floor behind a chair with his mother in my faces saying something to the fact that you just take it and don't tell anybody.
I am not sure how it happen but he convinced me that I should stay there and let him take care of me till I healed. It wasn't long before my job became a problem, even though they picked me up and dropped me off. The mental and emotional abuse started right away, accusing me of sleeping with people at work. I was this and that because I was always at work, so it was my fault by the time I would get there he was gone so I would just sit there all night by myself.
I did not have to many friends left after we would go to their house and he would start a fight and spit in my face calling me names and I would be to embarrassed to go there again or I would find out they sleep together, he always found a way for me to know and how it was my fault. And him being such a manipulator I believed him in a weird kind of way.
Already had low self esteem , low self worth, he taught me how to blame myself for everything. I became dependent on him, the more he isolated me.
I don't want to make them to long so will stop and call this PART 1 of the path I was led and has never ended.

07/21/2022

You could not tell from the outside.
But the marks on her soul had been left, isolated to a world of her own. They would not admit to what they had done, the lies they told appeared like bloody strap marks upon her soul.
They took what she had made, everything that made her alive. Embedded in her mind how worthless she would be, cutting deep into her heart, it was motherhood and it was hers.
The mistakes she would have made, were hers to make. The lives of her children were hers to be. She couldn't go on, she could not breathe. That day her heart stopped, but her body kept living.
This could not happen, it had to stop. He beat her and beat her, they never made it stop. The feelings of being a human being had stopped, not from the bruises, it is the mind, heart, and soul that suffered the damage. The hurt she physically felt of two innocent children punished not protected.
She tries to hold on for the love her children had for her, the trust, They were her world, her way, her every heart beat. She knew when she held them, the sparkle in their eyes told the love of a mother. She would protect them and love them with all her heart,
In circles she goes of knowing no one can love a child like their mother. How much could a heart break, how much pain could a person take. Her heart and spirit broke and bruised, her mind confused. When they took them away, because he beat her that day.
With their power they won, the cover up had begun. It doesn't matter were she turns. No one sees her as a person, equal. The days and minutes pass and exhausted from the fight , isolated and alone the emptiness and sadness grows, but for her, she had made a promised for both she'd fight.
She is caught in a system allowed to defile her every right. A system that has left three people incomplete, how can you take away someones, the damage you have done, the years that you have stolen.
I missed the smiles, the tears, the closeness, the love knowing your own child, you say you love her, yet took it upon yourself that her identity of my daughter was bad, when it made her beautiful yet you yourself changed her, she was perfect as she was, you lied and manipulated my little girl convincing her I did not love her enough. What kind of love is that when a child needs to know her mothers love, you changed her for who GOD made her to be.
She is holding on by her belief in GOD the FATHER and JESUS CHRIST her Savior. It was on that tree that he carried in where her name is written HIS blood was shed.
I live with the quilt and shame, I take on the blame, Nobody feels what a mother feels when her children ate illegally stolen. the system is a cover up . When you see her she is dead inside, waiting for the truth , praying for mercy and grace but justice under the law of the KING of all KINGS, A,D LORD OF LORD, She prays for forgiveness and stands faithfully in HIS hand for justice.

05/29/2022

Just because someone said it does not make it true, the world may label you but that's only to keep eyes off the ones that are trying to break you.

03/26/2022

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com People can't understand what is wrong with the world today, because we have been conformed and have accepted the world as it is. Come with me lets try to find and understand the truth, through the word. To understand the way that the world is , we must first understand "2nd Corintians 4 v 4". Satan, who is the god of this world, has blinded the minds of those who don’t believe....

https://choosingthetruth865502963.wordpress.com/2022/03/25/finding-the-truth/

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com People can’t understand what is wrong with the world today, because we have been conformed and have accepted the world as it is. Come with me lets try to find a…

07/05/2021

I have to admit that I haven't posted on my site for awhile, because I thought that this site would become a place to connect and share with others who have been in a domestic violence situation and have lost a piece of who you were before you were beat down, humiliated, degraded, all your self worth taken from you.
Being hit by someone that is supposed to love you, and you trust , it takes a piece of you that is hard to feel about yourself again.
It takes a part of your very being and puts a worth of zero, on the price of your worth.
I don't have to read a book about this, or go to school, I have experience, not that I am proud of this, nor do I like to admit that I let another person put a definition on me that I intern, as well as others, started to define myself as.
And as my children the true victims watched, as no one saw myself worth for any more than nothing as when it was obvious that I had let myself become depend on this person, thinking that he wanted the kids and a family as much as I did, but instead it was the power he got from being able to beat up a woman, how to degrade the very soul of someone, and the people with jobs to protect you, somehow come to the conclusion that the choice to stay is yours.
Then the courts start treating you with the same attitude. And instead of helping you, while you are trying to heal the wounds of a battle that is so internal that requires help to truly be able to find the you , that has been taken.
You become the one who appears to be in the wrong in your child's eyes, it has to be confusing when a situation happens , someone is hurt , and you know it's not because of what they did, yet they are taken to jail.
I knew it was not a good situation for them to be in, but let me tell you what happens when a woman tries to get help, first they expect her to file charges and appear as a witness against him. This is a person who you are terrified of, who threaten the very lives of your children if you told. Isn't it enough that the police who came to the scene, the pictures taken evidence, why would you put someone you know is being controlled by a man, that you know is beating her up and think that since she won't , then charges are dropped.
Then you have the system of hell, in which at the time I went through it most had not had a child , to know the bond and love a mother has for this child as they have felt it become a life inside you, depending on you for the necessities of life. The feeling you get once they are borned holding them, seeing the love for you they have .
The love of a mother is unbreakable.
I have been through hell with this situation, they took my daughter, gave me my son, because someone decided it was their decision, that someone else would be a better mom to my daughter, but I was ok to raise my son.
Even though I did everything I was suppose to and more, it did not matter. My kids were put in my full custody 3 times and the "state" forgot to tell me. All the while making my kids believe that if I wanted them I could have them, and defined me as someone I was not. I would give my last breathe for my kids to know that I love them and if I would have known that as a person I had rights, rights as a human being living in United States, I had a right to be protected, and to be a mom to my very own kids.
Maybe we would not have had alot of money, maybe we would not have lived in a big house in the best neighborhood, maybe they would not have had designer clothes.
But I would have and do love them more then anyone ever could, I would have been their to support them in everything they did, I would have kept them safely tucked in bed at night, I would have been at every school event and the proudest when they graduated. I would have cried at their weddings and would have worn a loud bright T-shirt that said "I AM A GRANDMA" .
I would have loved them through the hard times and stand amazed as watching them by the character and strength that situations form us into.
But instead of being a grandma, and a mother that I was meant to be, I had my life stolen away. I was a victim of domestic violence , so I was defined as not worthy and it did not matter how hard I tried they were taking my daughter, tearing my world apart.
Not one gave it a thought, instead busy destroying me and making it to seem as I never cared enough. To this day I am the one paying child support, truly in the twight zone, with an open door leading to the insanity of these people, who expected me to forget my daughter, go on with life with a part of me gone, are you kidding me, one day she will know I never quit fighting for her, you see the last words I heard from my daughter echo in my head still today " fight for both of us mommy fight for both of us" and although the powers of the courts have blocked every try, I promise to my LORD, she will know before I die that I never gave up and I never not tried.
It's the hardest part of life I have had to live , if that's what you want to call my existence. I should be baking cookies with my grand kids, instead I shuffle court papers looking for the answer.
I know I am not the only one who has been robbed of or is being robbed by the power the court has, and was hoping that on this site I would find someone who understands, as my life has been on hold until the truth be told. And it's hard not to have someone understand.
I know it's not easy to admit, or something people want others to know, but if you ever need to talk, I have some experience to share, but mostly I have compassion to understand.

05/27/2021

I haven't posted in a while, I started this page to find others who have or are going through this. So that we can support and help each other. But no one is reaching out.
A another victim to domestic violence has fallen, Debra Stephens may you rest in peace. We have to stop this but in order to do that we have to come together. Debra was killed in a terrible death, do not let it be you, or your loved one. Let's not let her death be in vain or forgotten

04/15/2021

I miss what domestic violence and the abuser was allowed to take from me, everyday. I needed someone to understand, so they could help me find understanding.
Instead I was met with the embarrassment, humiliation, and feeling like it was my fault, as every time the police came, I went to jail.
I was looked at like I did not love my kids because I did not leave, it was my kids that kept me alive, I did not have anywhere to go, he had made sure of that.
The guilt and shame I felt tore me up inside, the fact that he never had to answer for damaging me emotionally or mentally. I was never validated
this is what my kids saw their dad beating me, then me going to jail, and then when he burned our house down, with three eye witness, nothing was done, no investigation, no nothing, again I looked like and was treated as if I and my kids did not matter as human beings.
When did GOD, or this country what we were founded on a set of constitutional rights. To be protected, to be treated fairly, for justice to prevail.
When you are mentally, physically, emotionally tore apart, from something that you should be protected from and not have to live in fear, or feel like you done something to deserve to be beat on. Or that you don't matter, that as a human being your life has no meaning to people who say they are there to help you, instead they just take over the control that the abuser had on you.
So then they use your kids on you like a game , here you can have them but we will not protect you or simply let the abuser conduct himself in manners that would require most to go to jail, and it was me that paid hell when he broke the restraining order, that they never enforced.
I remember the emptiness, being alone in a bubble I had put around my self, a protection from the world, which has kept me from the experiences of the world. It has been so hard to watch the world go by , as I was judged, tried, and convicted by people who are running this system of kidnappers, liars, and people who care only about the numbers, that keep their paychecks coming.
I have carried a hole in my soul dredging through the years as this system has kept me tied to it and continually reminding me that to this system, to this court house of people who have the right to take your kids, your life and simply because they have not been where you have been, or walked a mile in your shoes and there status in this kangaroo court of shawnee county not their experience or compassion for another human, but the thirst and hunger and for power and control, and for the almighty dollar, they do not care that you are a real living being, that because you are abused makes you the monster and instead of helping you, keeping you safe, they turn to the abuser and hes the good guy, the one who did get away with killing someone, all so they could get what they wanted. Not considering that we had just as much right to a life as anyone else did.
Instead 20 plus years later they still kick me in the face as I they have me tied to punishment of these selfish, self centered, with not so much of an ounce of compassion or understanding.
It's enough, people like these, everyone who has seen these cases that should not have been to work with the abuser to continue to destroy the person in which should have found help, and not belittled and blamed.
All for the feeling of power and control, how do we allow this to happen? How is todays society so blind or easy to cover up for, or follow what they know to be wrong. How are these people put into jobs that affect people's lives, when they themselves don't know what caring and birthing a baby does to a woman, the love one has for her child, to be ripped away as the mother is defined as the problem and treated as such.
When it is the fact that they take away a part of you that can not be replace, they take your identity, respect, love, and are given the right to commit illegal actions, lie on paperwork, and they all cover up for each other.
It is a world that has allowed sin and pride control our system, this is and should not be acceptable. We should be treated with fairness and justice. We have to come together to hold those accountable for the illegal acts they have committed.



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