http://www.cleanslatemediation.net/

Clean Slate Mediation, Stillwater, MN (2026)

07/31/2024

65 is the new 45
I have been noticing a trend with divorce mediation clients I have been working with that directly parallels a national trend. Many clients are seeking to separate and divorce after 30 or even 40 years of marriage. The term for this phenomenon is “Gray Divorce.”

I recently worked with a couple who were 60 and 62 years old. They had been married 36 years. Their children were married or moved out. The husband and wife were both still working, both physically healthy active people with lots of interests and activities.

They simply had drifted apart. Neither claimed the other was unfaithful, no addictive behavior, no staggering debt, no clear cause or root of the separation. Somewhere along their daily lives they stopped interacting with each other and stopped relying on each other. Careers, work travel and frankly social media and instant internet access steal away intimacy and energy from a marriage. Suddenly you are 63 and realize you have been living with a roommate instead of a spouse.

Friends and family will be surprised to hear they are separating, but not really. We all know people in that situation, maybe even ourselves. Al and Tipper Gore separated in their early 60s after 40 years of marriage. The presidential campaign and election apparently toppled an already weakened foundation.

Many 65 year olds live as though they are 35 or 45. They are planning for the future, launching new businesses, running half-marathons, pursuing interests, publishing, creating art, traveling. 65 used to be considered “senior citizens”. The term suggested early bird dinners, coupon clipping, Buicks and The Price is Right. That reality may be true for some people but not for the Gray Divorce clients I have been working with.

04/29/2024

It is not too good to be true!
Mediation myths
There are many myths regarding mediation that need to be explored and dispelled. There is a lot of misinformation confusion. I’d like to try to clear some of that up by sharing accurate information regarding mediation and the services that mediators offer.

Myth #1: Only people who agree can mediate. If that were true, there would be no need to mediate. Of course people who disagree can mediate, just like people who are angry can mediate and people who don’t really like each other can mediate. All they have to do is agree to mediate, not agree upon every issue between them. Mediators do not expect their clients to talk quietly and never raise their voices, and a mediator truly has to feel comfortable being in the middle of people expressing anger and frustration, often times loudly. The mediator’s job, for example through restating and framing what a party says and asking questions, is to get them to really hear what the other is sharing.

Hopefully the discussions highlight where they have shared and common interests which allows parties to brainstorm resolutions.

02/15/2024

I am leading a free Black History Month tour at Minneapolis Institute of Art Mia on Wednesday February 21 at 1:00-2:00. Meet me across from the gift shop.

08/23/2023

Labor Day is coming, school is starting, the days are shortening and reality sinks in, summer is over. September brings mediation candidates who were able to handle living together in the summer as there are opportunities outside, activities and frankly outdoor seating and they can spread out more. September means in the house, school schedules, soccer and baseball games. Also conflicts can intensify over parenting time and the children's changing needs and schedules.

I offer a free 30 minute consultation to get an overview of how mediation would help them by calming conflict, collaboratively making decisions and frankly save them a lot of money, really a lot of money.

If they do not feel mediation is a good option for them, at least they are both starting from the same point with the same information.

[email protected]
612-308-9994

03/15/2023

I admit it, I am a fan of true crime drams. Netflix has a series named “Dirty John/Betty Broderick”. The second season features Betty Broderick, a true story of a woman entangled in a terrible divorce to which she has also contributed to the complexity and expense of the divorce she does not want.
In Season 2 episode 3, her husband who is a medical doctor and an attorney practicing law in the specialty of medical malpractice, is having dinner at the club with other attorneys and discussing that one of them will be filing for divorce from his wife and what advice to the other attorneys have for him before he files. The advice from his colleagues is rapid fire and specific;
“-close all joint bank checking and savings accounts and sweep the funds into an account in his name only
-secure all liquid assets in his name only, stocks, bonds, cash, coins, antiques, artwork, automobiles, jewelry, anything she could sell for cash
-change the beneficiary on any policy or agreement in which she is named beneficiary
-defer all bonuses and additional compensation under after the established date of separation
-copy all tax returns, deeds, bank statements, 401Ks, pension plans, all bank statements and brokerage accounts
-accelerate any major credit purchases before the date of separation
-make orthodontist appointments for the kids and pay in advance. Get the kids into therapy and pay in advance
-Change your beneficiary with the Social Security Administration so she does not receive your benefits
-Encourage and support her dreams, whatever helps to make her more independent but obviously do not tell her why”
The program is set in the 1970s and 1980s and the expectations around divorce settlements are different now. Every now and then I encounter a woman whose spouse has frozen her out and she literally has no money and no access to money. He has limited and removed her access the marital assets. Once the divorce is settled, she will receive access to her settlement but women often settle much faster and for less with no access to money or credit.
Sadly, this can still happen if either party is calculating and cold enough. It can be either spouse too.
I need to shower now.

11/23/2022

Covid Lessons

Covid made re-evaluate how my mediation sessions are scheduled and designed, and it was helpful process.

Pre-Covid I would arrange to meet with the mediation participants in a professional setting such as a conference room or space in an attorney’s office. Generally those spaces are neither interesting nor inviting. Glass walled conference rooms are the worst setting if there are not privacy curtains available. Imagine discussing your divorce settlement while people walk by and look in.

During Covid I, as everyone did, needed to get creative. I did still use some conference rooms with the parties seated on opposite ends of the conference table and masked. It felt stiff and rigid but it did work.

As the weather warmed I started offering participants a chance to meet at Bayport Park on the banks of the St. Croix River. The picnic tables are far enough apart that our conversations were private and the tables were shaded by large beautiful trees. People really liked the beautiful setting and nature seemed to help them process better and relaxed more. We would often pause for a moment while bald eagles flew right over us. Children were particularly more comfortable than in a conference room.

I also relied on Zoom for mediation sessions. Zoom meant people did not have to leave their homes; parents did not need a sitter or grandparent to watch their children. Zoom created some challenges in that people occasionally had a new spouse or a partner off camera but clearly participating by passing notes or jumping in. I did need to ask the person not directly in the mediation to leave the room if the other party in the Zoom meeting was uncomfortable and did not them hearing the mediation. Honestly though, having a “Third Wheel” sometimes helped the parties discuss the hidden issues such as differing parenting styles, boundaries and co-parenting. Zoom also was very effective at capping-off bad behavior because you saw your own face in that little square. Participants saw themselves scowl, roll their eyes, their angry looks and they saw their own body language such a clenched shoulders or Resting Bitch Face. People quickly self-corrected when they actually saw their behavior.

I will continue to offer these different options for their mediations, but the outside in nature option will need to wait until the snow melts.

Sheila-Marie Untiedt
Rule 114 Qualified Mediator, Parenting Consultant PC and Early Neutral Elevator ENE
Clean Slate Mediation.net
612-308-9994

09/15/2022

Election Fall-out
I now have had two mediations with two separate couples in which both women had decided to leave and divorce due to their partner’s changing political views. I had never mediated a situation like this before and now to have two couples in the same circumstances really caught me by surprise. The couples were similar in age, length of the marriage and frankly might live on the same cul-de-sac.
In both cases the husband had shifted or changed his political viewpoints to be much more conservative than in previous years and also had become combative in conversation, but not physically. The men were now consuming a great deal of news programming, much more than earlier in the marriages.
Both wives were willing to walk away from the marriage because of the shift in political views. Clearly the gender roles could be reversed but in these two cases they women no longer willing to tolerate the relationship and the associated politics.
I suspect neither relationship was without challenges but the angle of repose was Fake News.
Sheila-Marie Untiedt
www.cleanslatemediation.net
612-308-9994

07/23/2021

I recently completed a mediation for a couple that had been married for 25 years. Their kids were grown and moved out, their finances were stable, they both had jobs they enjoyed and they had managed their way through the pandemic and emerged intact.

I never ask why couples are separating because it simply does not matter to the settlement or the divorce, although it clearly matter greatly to each party. Often a partner will share the reason, especially if the "fault" is on their partner.

This mediation was very odd because they both felt the other partner was responsible for the tension and the split and were very vocal about the reason- one had voted for Joe Biden and the other had voted for Donald Trump. They were both so firmly committed to being "right" and the other was "wrong". The tension was palpable. Both wanted to know who I voted for but have to remain neutral and I would not say. One person would have been elated likely and the other might have gotten up and left.

A Presidential election culminating in a divorce is a first for me, but I suspect not the last.

10/15/2020

CSM War of the Roses

In 1989 Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner starred in the movie The War of the Roses. They played a wealthy divorcing couple trying to get the other to leave the house. They destroy the house, ruin cars, swing from chandeliers and just behave badly. They were stubborn, self indulgent, childish and evil. Over 31 years later my stomach still takes a flip thinking about that movie. I was so personally disturbed by the behavior, even though I had not personally experienced that type of conflict. It was just so destructive, both physically and emotionally.

Now viewing that film through the lens of a mediator involved in family law cases I believe I can confidently state there is no possible way that couple could mediate a divorce!

So, who can mediate a divorce? Mediation is about abandoning an I Win/you lose mentality and replacing that mindset with common goals and compromise. Good mediation candidates are individuals, especially in divorce, who are able to see a bigger picture and care less about minute details. People who can look past today’s concerns and see how things play out long term are good candidates. Most people have those skills; they often just have not used them very much recently.

We live in a world of “I” or “Me”, IPhone, IPad, MyFi, My Medica, all those terms deal with the individual and not a cooperative or collective view.

Mediation is hard and painful work at times but well worth thinking of a goal and outcome instead of I/Me.

Please feel me to respond with your comments or with questions about mediation to [email protected] or by phone at 612-308-9994.

09/08/2020

COVID has certainly taught us all we need to pivot, swerve, lurch, adapt and accept change. It has been a challenging time for everyone and people are dealing with differing levels of change. For some, they still have a job, a paycheck and they are either working from home or going into work with adjustments to address COVID.
For others, they are on the precipice of eviction or entering the foreclosure process and in addition they have no income or health insurance, others are somewhere on the continuum. Now add personal relationships and parenting during COVID. I have been continuing to schedule remote mediation sessions and I have learned some interesting things. Zoom sessions are sometimes more productive than in-person session would have been for certain couples because the physical electricity between a couple is mitigated by distance. Participants have a mirror on themselves during the session because they see their own face as their partner sees it. I have also had clients prefer to use a conference call and not deal with video options. It has been interesting being flexible and adaptive and after COVID I will continue to offer remote options because for some it is the best application.

08/02/2020

59 Paper Bags
I received a call from a mediation client. She is an elderly woman who had been a participant in an elder care issue with her children. She left me a voicemail asking me to send her a copy of her mediation receipt as she could not locate it or had misplaced the receipt. I printed of a copy of her receipt and mailed it off to her. I called her to let her know it was on the way. She proudly explained to me that she keeps a paper grocery bag for each year’s receipts, warranties, tax records, bank statements. When all the records are collected for that year she seals the bag, writes the year on the side and puts the bag up in the attic. I thought to myself that is actually a pretty good record keeping system until she said “Yep, I have bags going all the way back to 1961 when I moved into this house.”
59 years of documents, receipts, checkbook registers, papers. 59 paper bags of slowly deteriorating- likely mouse eaten- papers cluttering her attic. 59 bags of now useless records that are probably a fire hazard. Granted, the last 7 years or so are valuable but not the rest of those bags.
I have been thinking a lot about those 59 paper bags and how every person brings their own concepts of what is valuable and correct in all our personal interactions. We all have differing ideas and expectations of what is right and appropriate. We all have been shaped by our own life experiences. When our own expectations and belief systems come into conflict with another person’s differing perspective we are at odds with each other. Conflict happens in business issues, personal marital relationships, neighbors, extended families, and governmental bodies. Conflict occurs easily, resolution is more elusive.
The woman firmly believes- or perceives- those 59 bags will be an aid to her children and a gift of excellent records. I suspect after she dies her children- who are already in conflict with each other- will curse those brittle paper bags as they bring them down one by one from the attic. One woman’s thoughtful act becomes another person’s dirty job.
It just depends who you ask.
Sheila-Marie Untiedt
www.cleanslatemediation.net
612-308-9994

01/07/2020

Pure silly material for a laugh

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