12/20/2024
The holidays are upon us, and there’s no better way to get into the spirit than by brewing a little holiday cheer. Now, before you go thinkin' I'm suggesting something illegal, rest assured this is the purely hypothetical, yarn-spinning kinda moonshining. I don't do criminal work, this ain't an effort to gain more business so don't take me seriously. Grab your overalls and let’s get shinin’!
Recipe: Holiday “Hypothetical” Moonshine
-Find a spot where the revenuers ain’t lookin’. A nice cozy nook in the house or the back 40 should do.
-Gather your ingredients: a huge heap of cornmeal, a giant bag of sugar, some yeast, and a bucket of clean water.
-Mix the cornmeal and sugar in a large pot, preferably one that looks like it could double as a prop in an old-timey movie. Add water and stir until your arm feels like it’s about to fall off.
-Heat the mixture gently. You’re not making grandma's stew here! Simmer it until it’s a smooth, sweet mash that smells like cornbread got lost in a candy factory.
-Cool the mixture and toss in that yeast. Yeast is shy, so make sure everything's lukewarm, like a tepid bath you didn’t really want to take.
-Cover and let it sit. Now’s the hard part: waiting. Let the yeast work its magic for a few days. Listen to bluegrass or watch reruns of “The Beverly Hillbillies” to pass the time.
-Your mix has now become ‘wash.’ Strain it to get out all the gunk. If you’ve got chickens or pigs, they'll love this part as their new favorite snack.
Now comes the distilling. Since this is purely hypothetical, imagine using a still. An old copper kettle with pipes twisting like a mountain trail. Heat it gently, collect the “high proof happiness” dripping from the other end.
Celebrate! You’ve made your own moonshine. Share (hypothetically) with friends, but remind them it’s just a spirited tale to keep Grandma’s apple pie more exciting.
This is all just in good fun. Real moonshining can get ya in more trouble than a raccoon at a fancy dinner party. Instead, maybe just buy some eggnog and call it a day.
Wishing you a joyful and safe holiday season filled with laughter, good cheer, and the kind of misadventures that make for the best stories.
Bill Robertson has recovered over One Hundred Million Dollars for his clients throughout his career.
