01/18/2025
Solid Co-Parenting advice to establish boundaries.
** Sharing the mental load (schedules, appointments, etc.) with a co-parent: **
I kept track of every single detail of our family’s schedule when I was married to the boys’ Dad. When we were suddenly co-parenting from two households, I continued to do so, and it was maddening and exhausting.
He’d text to ask me what time the kids got out, whether practice was cancelled, what time the band concert was… and I’d roll my eyes, but always sent the info.
📣 I quickly realized this was neither fair nor sustainable. 📣
Here’s what I did to even the load and shift responsibility of HIS household to HIS plate:
🔑 I created a second Google shared calendar - I already had one for my immediate household, but this one would be shared by the kids and all 4 parents. (We’ve both remarried.)
We both set it up to e-mail us any time someone adds an event or makes changes to it. This keeps me from having to say, “I added something for Tuesday.” If it’s on there, it is expected that he has reviewed it.
We put our work schedules on it. We put the recurring custody schedule on it with pickup details. I entered the entire school year’s worth of events, holidays, early release days, etc.
I keep up the most detail on it, of course, updating things like MLK Day plans, late band practices, etc.
At first I added reminder notifications on certain events we were more likely to forget (i.e. Picture Day).
🔑 Here’s the key: I refused to be his secretary moving forward. Any time he asked me questions about whose weekend it was, I’d say, “It’s on the calendar.” Texts about pick-up time? “Not sure. Should be on the calendar.”
When he’d text or call to tell me he was going to be out of town or had a change in schedule, I’d say, “I don’t see it on the calendar. Can you please add it?”
I also (for a short time, before he had phone) had a printed calendar in my oldest son’s notebook. I’d add things on it so he could answer some of these questions for his Dad.
🔑 Early on, I’d say, “Hey, I’m really not trying to be difficult, but I’m no longer your person for things like this. You get the same emails from school that I do. You have access to the same school website and calendar. I don’t have the capacity to manage the admin tasks for two households.”
After that, when he’d ask questions like, “What time do they get out for lunch?” - I’d just say, “Not sure.”
🔑 The hardest part is the final step: let him fail. It’s hard on them when their Dad doesn’t show up to their event, but fostering and protecting that relationship is between him and his children. I can’t prevent their disappointment, but can comfort them without disparaging their father.
I had to break the habit of reminding him of things like, “Don’t forget to park up front and it’s $5 at the door.” No. He can read the apps and emails just like I do.
My co-parent missed his own nephew’s baptism, but I was there with our kids (and all my ex-inlaws). He was mad that I didn’t remind him, and was embarrassed that I was in all the pictures with his family and he wasn’t.
I calmly said, “It was on the calendar.”
I did feel bad for him, but I felt no guilt or responsibility for it.
When it comes to an event or detail the kids would miss and THEY would be upset, I almost always follow up or remind, but I do that FOR THEM.
Once your child(ren) can access a device to manage the family shared calendar, they’ll slowly take ownership of their own schedules. Their executive functioning and calendaring skills will surpass their peers in no time.
It’s possible for the non-custodial parent to take ownership of family tasks and scheduling, but it will take time, consistency and natural consequences. Stick to your guns and opt out of any misplaced guilt when things get missed.
The fact is, having me for an admin assistant is a wife privilege, and as a result of the choices he made, all wife privileges were forfeited.
