12/24/2021
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
in Lawyer-speak
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur
at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to, a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stockings, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a St. Nicholas a/k/a Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive sometime thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein visions of confectionary treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being joint owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mama"), and said Mama retired for a sustained period of sleep. At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.
Suddenly, and absent prior notice or warning, there did occur upon such unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance.
The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance. At that time,
the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle”) being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer and the animal co-conspirators were identified by name, to wit: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer" ). Upon information and belief, it is further believed that an additional co-conspirator known as "Rudolph" may have been involved.
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally, willfully and wantonly trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, neither express nor implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House and Claus entered said House via the chimney.
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be to***co in a small pipe in blatant violation and disregard of local ordinances and health regulations.
Claus did not speak but immediately began to fill the stockings of the minor children which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor children pursuant to the applicable provisions of the US Tax Code.
Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and the Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from the House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim:
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"
