04/17/2020
Try and keep the problem the problem- as hard as it may be.
Whenever people find themselves in the midst of a "storm," they are vulnerable to turning against one another, rather than turning toward one another for support and cooperation. Now more than ever, parents are being called to be their best selves, set pettiness aside and work together for the good of the kids.
Keep the Problem the Problem
By Scott Stoner, for Living Compass
I have shared the story I am about to share in this column once or twice previously because living through it taught me a valuable lesson. I'm also sharing it now believe its lesson is especially applicable to the situation many of us find ourselves in today, sheltering in place for what has been more than a month now.
My wife and I love to spend time in the wilderness, as we love the quiet and spiritual nourishment we receive by being in nature. So several years ago, we were canoeing in Quetico Provincial Park in Ontario, Canada, a very remote park that is only accessible by canoe. I remember well an experience we had one stormy day. We had awoken early and had to decide whether it was safe to spend the day on the water, as a storm was predicted later in the day. I thought we should stay put where we were sheltered on shore. She thought it made sense to take off and try to get to the next lake a mile or so away before the storm arrived. After a brief discussion, we decided to take off, hoping for the best.
We loaded up the canoe with all our packs and took off across the vast lake we had been camping on. A half-hour later, we were in the middle of the lake, and a strong thunderstorm suddenly arose. Fifteen minutes from the closest shore, we glanced behind us and noticed that the storm had come up quicker than we expected. In the next few minutes, we became uncomfortably aware that the sky was becoming black, the wind was whipping around us, and the temperature was dropping. Soon there was lightning in the distance, and we both knew the last place we wanted to be at that moment was sitting in a canoe in the middle of that large body of water. We were scared.
So what did we do? We did what any two people would do in such a situation. We began to have a fight right there in the middle of the lake. The argument started when I started to raise my voice over the wind, yelling, "I told you there was a chance of a storm and that we shouldn't come out here today!" (Note to self: saying "I told you so" never helps resolve anything). Soon the shouting went back and forth, with her asking and directing, "Why aren't you paddling harder? Don't paddle on the left, paddle on the right!" And then we began to disagree about which point on the horizon was our desired destination. After a few minutes of futile arguing, we looked at each other and realized how silly we were being. We took a deep breath, double-checked the map, and resumed paddling.
When we finally reached shore and could later talk about what happened, we realized that out on the water, we had not really been mad at each other, but instead, the approaching storm had scared us both so much that we had begun to turn against each other. The storm was the "problem," and yet in the midst of our anxiety, we had temporarily made each other the "problem."
Whenever people find themselves in the midst of a "storm," they are vulnerable to turning against one another, rather than turning toward one another for support and cooperation. The world is currently in the midst of a "storm" like we have never experienced. If you are sheltering in place with others, you may find that you are getting on each other's nerves, becoming more irritable, and even fighting. You might find yourself lashing out at state and national leaders. You might hear yourself sounding like my wife, and I did that day on the lake, yelling such things as, "I told you so. You are not paddling hard enough. Why do I always have to do all the work around here? Nobody appreciates how hard I'm working."
All people are vulnerable to turning against one another when experiencing fear in the midst of uncertainty. Today this includes couples, families, friends, businesses, work teams, politicians, and organizations. Every one of us has experienced some degree of loss and disruption, some much more than others, and some have suffered losses so severe they wonder how they will ever recover.
Whenever I work with a family or organization that is in conflict, I almost always, at some point, share the mantra, “Keep the problem the problem, and don’t make a person the problem.” Because when we begin to think that the other person the problem, not only do we injure the relationship with that person, but we also stop focussing on the real problem. When my wife and I were so busy yelling at each other, neither one was paddling; neither one of us was addressing the real problem ahead of us, the storm that was surrounding us, and our need to get off the lake.
We are all now in the midst of a big storm, and we are going to be paddling together through it for what looks to be a long time. I, for one, will try to remember to keep my focus on the problem and not make others the problem. Even more, I will remember that others are an essential part of the solution, as the African proverb reminds us: "If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together."
But just as soon as I commit to not blaming others, I realize how hard it can be to put this into practice. Because seriously, "Why am I the only one around here who EVER unloads the dishwasher?!”
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