04/22/2026
Why Do Couples Fight?
After 35 years of family law practice, I've seen the same patterns play out again and again. Most marital conflict isn't really about what couples think they're fighting about. A few of the real drivers:
The surface isn't the issue. Arguments about dishes, schedules, or in-laws are usually stand-ins for something deeper — feeling unappreciated, unheard, or disrespected. The same fight just keeps coming back in different costumes.
Mismatched conflict styles. One partner pursues, the other withdraws. One wants to resolve things right now, the other needs space. Neither is wrong, but the mismatch itself creates conflict on top of the original problem.
Chronic stress wears people down. Money troubles, parenting disagreements, health issues, and caregiving responsibilities lower everyone's threshold. Depleted people snap at things they'd otherwise let go.
Contempt creeps in. Researcher John Gottman identified four patterns that predict divorce: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Once contempt takes hold, even neutral comments get heard as hostile.
Unmet expectations. Each spouse brought assumptions about roles, money, intimacy, and division of labor that were never actually discussed. Resentment builds when reality doesn't match the unspoken template.
Missing repair skills. Healthy couples fight too — the difference is they know how to de-escalate, apologize, and reconnect. Without those skills, every conflict compounds the last one.
By the time couples walk into my office, they're usually dealing with several of these running in parallel for years.
If you're at that point — or trying to figure out whether you are — you don't have to sort it out alone. I help clients across Bradley, Hamilton, McMinn, Polk, Meigs, and Monroe Counties work through divorce, custody, and support matters with clarity and a plan.
📞 Call (423) 614-7555 or stop by 140 North Ocoee Street, Suite 100, Cleveland, TN to schedule a consultation.
Jerry Hoffer, Attorney at Law, P.C.
