22/05/2026
🚨 SEND, SCHOOLS & SOCIAL SERVICES EXPLAINED , PART 3
🔹 SCHOOL STRUGGLES, ATTENDANCE & THE FEAR THAT STARTS BUILDING 🔹
One of the biggest things I hear from SEND parents is this:
💬 “I dread seeing the school number come up.”
💬 “I panic opening emails.”
💬 “I feel sick every morning.”
💬 “I feel judged.”
💬 “I feel like they think I’m not trying.”
And honestly?
This is one of the hardest parts of the SEND journey that people often do not talk about enough.
Because for many families, once attendance starts dropping or school struggles begin, fear starts creeping in.
Fear of judgement.
Fear of being blamed.
Fear of social services.
Fear of fines.
Fear of being seen as:
❌ lazy
❌ non engaging
❌ not coping
❌ “allowing” attendance problems.
And for many parents?
This fear becomes overwhelming.
🔹 MOST PARENTS WANT THEIR CHILD IN SCHOOL 🔹
I really want schools, professionals and even other parents to hear this part.
Because one of the biggest misconceptions I see is this idea that parents somehow “allow” school difficulties.
Honestly?
Most parents WANT their child in school.
Most parents WANT their child coping emotionally.
Most parents WANT life to feel “normal.”
Most parents desperately want their child to:
✔ thrive academically
✔ have friendships
✔ enjoy school trips
✔ feel confident
✔ feel settled
✔ feel included.
And honestly?
Most children struggling with SEND related anxiety WANT that too.
This is important.
Because with the exception of things like bullying or unsafe environments, many children with school anxiety actually WANT to go.
They WANT to see their friends.
They WANT normality.
They WANT to cope.
But anxiety is not logical.
And when anxiety takes over, especially in neurodivergent children, the body often goes into:
🚨 fight
🚨 flight
🚨 freeze.
And once that happens, it is not simply:
💬 “Come on, just get dressed.”
If it were that easy, families would not be struggling.
🔹 “THEY WERE FINE AT SCHOOL” 🔹
I need to talk about this.
Because this is probably one of the biggest things I hear from parents.
💬 “School says they were fine.”
And whether that is true or not is not really the point.
The issue is how that sentence makes parents FEEL.
Because many parents leave those conversations feeling:
• dismissed
• judged
• blamed
• not believed
• like THEY are somehow the problem.
When actually, one of the most important things professionals need to understand is this:
👉 children often release emotions where they feel safest.
Many neurodivergent children spend all day:
• masking
• suppressing emotions
• trying to fit in
• trying not to stand out
• forcing themselves to cope
• holding anxiety in.
Then they get home and completely collapse emotionally.
That can look like:
• meltdowns
• panic
• crying
• emotional shutdown
• aggression
• exhaustion
• overwhelm.
And honestly?
This does NOT mean the parent is causing the issue.
Very often it means the child feels SAFE enough at home to finally let everything out.
That does not make it easier for families.
But it matters that people understand this.
Because so many parents feel they are constantly trying to “prove” what is happening at home.
🔹 SCHOOLS ARE UNDER HUGE PRESSURE TOO 🔹
Now this part matters.
Because this series is not about attacking schools.
Schools are under enormous pressure themselves.
And I think parents deserve honesty around that too.
Schools have to answer to the local authority.
Attendance is monitored.
Thresholds matter.
And when attendance drops below certain percentages, schools are expected to act.
For example:
⚠ around 95% attendance , concerns may begin being monitored.
⚠ around 90% attendance , schools often begin more formal discussions and support conversations.
⚠ persistent absence is generally considered below 90%.
⚠ severe absence is often classed below 50%.
Schools are under pressure to evidence:
✔ intervention
✔ safeguarding consideration
✔ support offered
✔ attendance plans.
And honestly?
I think many parents would feel far less frightened if schools were simply more open about this from the beginning.
Imagine if at the start of school there were conversations like:
💬 “We know some children struggle.”
💬 “We understand SEND, anxiety, separation difficulties and family circumstances can affect attendance.”
💬 “We are here to support, not judge.”
💬 “Please talk to us early if things become difficult.”
💬 “We also have responsibilities to the local authority, so communication helps us support you better.”
How different would that feel?
🔹 FEAR OF THE PHONE CALL 🔹
Honestly?
Many parents start dreading the school number appearing.
Because once struggles begin, every phone call can feel like:
➡ criticism
➡ concern
➡ pressure
➡ judgement
➡ another thing going wrong.
And for parents already burnt out, even answering the phone can become overwhelming.
Not because they do not care.
But because they care SO much.
And they are frightened.
🔹 THIS IS WHERE COMMUNICATION MATTERS 🔹
I genuinely think better communication could prevent so many situations escalating.
Sometimes supportive communication might look like:
✔ friendly texts instead of formal emails
✔ warmth before concern
✔ acknowledging how hard things are
✔ listening first
✔ asking:
💬 “What support do YOU think would help?”
instead of jumping straight to pressure.
Because many families are already trying their absolute best.
🔹 MY HONEST VIEW? 🔹
I think schools and parents actually want the same thing most of the time:
👉 a child who feels safe
👉 a child who can learn
👉 a child who is emotionally well
👉 a child who can thrive.
But fear and misunderstanding often damage trust on both sides.
And honestly?
The earlier schools and families can work TOGETHER rather than feeling against one another, the better outcomes we will likely see for children.
🔹 SUPPORT THAT MAY HELP 🔹
National Autistic Society
Website: autism.org.uk
Helpline: 0808 800 4104
Excellent support around school anxiety, attendance difficulties and autism related school struggles.
YoungMinds Parent Support
Website: youngminds.org.uk
Parents Helpline: 0808 802 5544
Support for parents struggling with anxiety, overwhelm and emotional burnout.
IPSEA
Website: ipsea.org.uk
Support around SEND education rights, school support and EHCP guidance.
Contact
Website: contact.org.uk
Helpline: 0808 808 3555
Email: [email protected]
Practical support for families with additional needs.
🚨 PART 4:
🔹 EBSA (EMOTIONALLY BASED SCHOOL AVOIDANCE) & WHY IT IS SO MISUNDERSTOOD 🔹
Always in your corner,
Toni 💛
