05/06/2019
The impact of Individual perceptions on relationships and Mediation
It’s common in relationships that misunderstandings occur, because of the different perceptions which people have. One person may make an innocent remark in general conversation, which has nothing to do with the other person. However, the person who hears the remark, takes it as an insult or a concealed criticism of them personally, if that’s the perspective of that individual.
It’s not surprising then, that people who have separated and who are in a dispute in respect of dividing their assets, or about their children’s arrangements following their separation, have different perspectives about how things have occurred in the past. When they hear what the other has to say, often they believe them to be dishonest.
The ancient Persian philosopher, Jalāl ad-Dīn Muhammad Rūmī, commonly known as “Rumi”, used the story of the elephant in the dark, as an example of the limits of individual perception. He retells a story of an elephant brought into a dark room. Men who have never seen an elephant before, are invited one by one, to go into the room and touch and feel the elephant with their hands. Depending upon which part they touch, they describe what it is like. Each of them believes it to be different. The elephant was described to be like a water spout – when touching the trunk – a fan, when touching the ear, a pillar, when touching the leg, a large drum, when touching its belly, a spear, when touching its tusk, and a rope, when touching its tail.
Rumi noted that "if each man had a candle and they went into the room together, the differences would disappear."
You may feel frustrated by your failed attempts to shine the light of reason on your dispute, with someone. If someone wants to remain in the dark, it’s very difficult to do this and it may be more about that individual wanting to continue to remain in the dark.
Mediation is a process, which can assist in illuminating issues and can help you address “the elephant in the room” which is stopping you from moving forward in resolving your disputes.