Ivan’s Mediator Musings

Ivan’s Mediator Musings As full time mediator, I like to make my mediations memorable. I often refer to myself as "the Stoic Mediator" as I enjoy and believe in the stoic principles.

Many people know me for my wacky sense of humour and my drumming as well. I like to bring a different approach to mediations. I like to make people think and impart the stoic principles to them. I also like to lighten things up with my sense of humour and my bag of props (which also works on Zoom). I also may subject some to my YouTube videos so they can see me in action as a drummer (a.k.a. Hurri

cane Ivan). I also am a speaker for continuing education programs, something I very much enjoy doing as well.

Yesterday was Pink Shirt Day in Canada - an anti-bullying awareness day. Let’s get real about bullies and bullying. It’s...
02/24/2022

Yesterday was Pink Shirt Day in Canada - an anti-bullying awareness day.

Let’s get real about bullies and bullying. It’s a painful experience.

I know the pains of being bullied.

When I was in public school, I was bullied, because I stood out.

I had the nickname, “pink elephant”. I was overweight, I had funny hair, I stuttered and was ridiculed, for being different.

I would bring extra snacks to school as a way of “buying off” the bullies. I tried to fit in. My mother took me to Sam the barber who attempted to straighten my hair (a disaster). Traumatized by that experience, I vowed never to go to a barber again and well, you’ve seen my hair.

I became a fitness freak with my late friend, Mickey who also served as lead guitarist in a band we were in at the time.

I stuttered and was afraid to speak in class. My dad used to say I was the type who would be the researcher and be in the background. I lacked confidence and was afraid to speak up or contribute to class discussions.

I was tongue tied when participating in Moot Court at law school. Not what you’d expect if you met me today (or as my wife reminds me every day when she hears me mediating on Zoom, “Ivan, you’re so LOUD!).

I remember interviewing for articling positions, feeling self-conscious about my hair etc. Lucky for me the interviewers saw past the wild hair 😎.

This is a photo of my sister and I when I was in my teens. She is my cool sis, who prepared my ties for me before I left Montreal for my articling position in Toronto.

Dr. Seuss said, “why fit in when you were born to stand out?”, so don’t be afraid to stand out.
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12/02/2021

Mediation tip: You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Remember the goal of the mediation. 🔮
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I keep this on my bookcase near my desk in my home office. It's a card my father made for me 12 years ago. Now, he was t...
11/22/2021

I keep this on my bookcase near my desk in my home office. It's a card my father made for me 12 years ago. Now, he was the king of pep talks and life advice. He always told me that challenges are a part of life and form the experiences that shape you. I always remind myself of that advice.

I talk about my Dad when discussing challenges/life lessons at mediations. What he went through shaped me. He went through many difficulties, professionally and personally. I remember how his businesses went bankrupt and we had bailiffs showing up at our house and having to move and start over again and again. I saw him working long hours in his little office in our small duplex and going out selling his souvenir creations 7 days a week.

When he had to take care of my mother in her last few years, he never complained, as physically taxing and emotionally taxing as it was. He always had a smile on his face and soldiered on. He always found time to give timely advice and encouragement when I faced challenges growing up. No one knew what he was dealing with. His hearty laugh and thirst for learning and banter are how people remember him. He could not control the external challenges that befell him but he did control how he reacted to them. He was a Stoic and didn't realize it.

You never know what someone is hiding behind a smile. You never know what someone has been through. Sometimes the most upbeat, "happy" people are the ones who have been through the most. To him, the glass was always half full. And you know what the Stoics say...It's all about perspective.

"A key point to bear in mind: The value of attentiveness varies in proportion to its object. You're better off not givin...
10/05/2021

"A key point to bear in mind: The value of attentiveness varies in proportion to its object. You're better off not giving the small things more time than they deserve." - Marcus Aurelius

Yes, back to quoting my old pal, Marcus again, because as always, he has sage advice for us - to remind us that we should avoid making mountains out of molehills. I say this after having spent days trying to convince one of my daughters that she is more capable than she thinks and all the road blocks she sees are just pylons that can be pushed aside (as in dealt with). Now, trying to convince an anxious person that they CAN do something and not to be nervous is never easy because as you know, anxiety often creates doubt and doubt in turn creates more anxiety. It's another vicious cycle unfortunately. But she knows that the cycle will run its course and she will get to the point where she feels comfortable and confident again.

This week is Mental Illness Awareness Week in Canada and I wanted to share this because I know many people can relate to that feeling of unease anxiety brings, how mental illness has so many symptoms that impact us and those around us.

What I can say for sure is that my daughter knows she is not alone and that is what is important. So remember, neither are you.

In the "Obstacle is the Way," Ryan Holiday writes, “Focus on the moment, not the monsters that may or may not be up ahea...
09/24/2021

In the "Obstacle is the Way," Ryan Holiday writes, “Focus on the moment, not the monsters that may or may not be up ahead".

It seems like an easy concept, but we know that it's easier said than done. Learning how to be present and staying present is great when you can actually achieve that state. But it's hard not to get distracted by what's going on around you (especially these days with the pandemic and politics) and hard not to get caught up in the "what ifs" of life (or as my daughter likes to call them, 'thought spirals'). 😰

I like to remind myself how the Stoics handled things and to remember that we can differentiate between what we can and cannot change and what we do and don't have control over. Let things happen as they will.

Ryan Holiday says that "The mind is infinitely elastic and adaptable". We have the ability to be flexible in our mindset...
09/21/2021

Ryan Holiday says that "The mind is infinitely elastic and adaptable". We have the ability to be flexible in our mindset and to choose how we respond to difficult/complicated situations (a view also held by stoic greats such as Marcus Aurelius and Epictetus).

The litigation process can be an adversarial one and a mediation is a chance for the parties to adapt their views to find a reasonable position. It is an opportunity to make use of the elasticity of the mind. For the plaintiff, it is the opportunity to realize they can write the end of a chapter.

We can think about things this way- "There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." - C.S. Lewis

A book I often refer to is "The Obstacle is the Way" by Ryan Holiday. It's a mentality that helps one to deal with curve...
08/31/2021

A book I often refer to is "The Obstacle is the Way" by Ryan Holiday. It's a mentality that helps one to deal with curveballs and unexpected challenges in life.

When I talk to plaintiffs at a mediation, I mix in humour, sometime music and some stoic perspective. I try to make the day go a little smoother and make it a little less stressful for them by giving them something to think about like how the obstacle IS the way.

As Marcus Aurelius said, "The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way". We can turn obstacles into opportunities. The mediation is an opportunity for the plaintiff to find resolution and closure on a chapter of their life.

I am honoured and humbled to be included in the 2022 edition of Best Lawyers Canada in the field of Alternative Dispute ...
08/26/2021

I am honoured and humbled to be included in the 2022 edition of Best Lawyers Canada in the field of Alternative Dispute Resolution. I strive to achieve resolution and my objective is always to keep the bar high. I take nothing for granted. Helping parties achieve closure and empowerment is the goal. While the recognition is much appreciated, helping parties craft a settlement is the ultimate reward.

It's okay to have your own style and to do things differently and step outside your comfort zone. It keeps things intere...
08/03/2021

It's okay to have your own style and to do things differently and step outside your comfort zone. It keeps things interesting and allows for new perspectives.

I've been told by counsel that I'm not your typical mediator (and not just because of the drumming or the afro). In fact some counsel say they tell their clients before the mediation that my style is a bit unorthodox (but don't worry, I don't take it personally 😎).

So what is my style? Well, there is my wacky sense of humour (enter my bag of props), my panoramic view and my deep and genuine interest in human nature. I read psychology books, I have medical books, books on chronic pain etc - and of course I read many books on stoicism.

Why the extra reading? Well, I want to understand and connect with the parties. I want to make sure they get the most out of the mediation experience.

"The faster and busier things get, the more we need to build thinking time into our schedule. And the noisier things get...
07/29/2021

"The faster and busier things get, the more we need to build thinking time into our schedule. And the noisier things get, the more we need to build quiet reflection spaces in which we can truly focus." Greg McKeown

In other words, stillness is key. And if we don't take the time to focus on ourselves and practice self-care, what happens? Burnout. Burnout is a very real thing, especially in the legal profession. Though it can happen to anyone, in any profession or anyone under a lot of stress who doesn't slow down.

So this is your friendly reminder to take care of yourself, because if you don't, who will?

"If you're on time, you're late" - Vince Lombardi If you've ever mediated with me, you'll notice I always arrive with ti...
07/23/2021

"If you're on time, you're late" - Vince Lombardi

If you've ever mediated with me, you'll notice I always arrive with time to spare (and it wasn't just for the spread at Network). My kids never appreciated my keen sense of time and my daughter reminded me the other day of how embarrassing it was when I picked her up early at parties (hey- I go to bed early, what can I say?).

There is value to being early. If you're only on time, you have no time to spare. You never know if last minute unexpected surprises will greet you but if you're early, you can deal with them if you have time to spare.

What was it that Forrest Gump's mother said? Oh yeah- "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get".

Stoic virtue #4: Wisdom. Wisdom informs action. An important practice in stoicism is to differentiate between what we c...
07/23/2021

Stoic virtue #4: Wisdom. Wisdom informs action. An important practice in stoicism is to differentiate between what we can and cannot change. Focus on what you can control and not on what you can't. An important idea attributed to Epictetus is that there is only so much within our control. We can only control "the internal" and have no control on "the external". You control your choices, your opinions but you can't control how other people act or behave. You only control your response.

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